you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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