the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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