We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
