I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.