Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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