And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
