He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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