the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
