my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
