I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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