You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
