woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
