You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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