it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
