Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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