I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
