# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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