new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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