the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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