Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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