there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
