My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
