I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
