I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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