i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
