We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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