My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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