every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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