I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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