I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize