Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
