She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
