Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize