I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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