Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
