Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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