You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
