Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have peed in a lot of sinks
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
