you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS