if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
