Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
