Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
