You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
