Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I am midnight drunk by noon
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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