Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
