I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
