Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
