I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
