i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
