can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
