I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
