I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
this is an emotional support booty call
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
