Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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