Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
